[Penny for my thought ]

[Friday, November 01, 2002]

Help me Blogger,
So today is All Saints Day. im not in school. i would be going to church in school but i decided to stay home because to me its a wasted day, a half day of only church and like 2 classes. so im home and my mom is going to church and she was like "do you want to come" and im like "no" and she blows up on me and how im destroying the family and killing religion for everyone and why the hell am i in a catholic school if im not going to church and i should be ashamed of myself...and i just stand there and stare at her. my whole "be rational and debate" mindset has been totally shattered. my brother needs to come home real soon so she can yell a him instead. sadly enough thats the only thing i can count on him for, is to be a distraction to keep me out of trouble. i can't be catholic anymore, it just doesnt work for me at all. i cant stand the humbling and all you do at church is say how bad you are? why is everything in the world on a system of punishment? i feel perfectly religious staying at home on sunday mornings and just being content with my life. sure there are things in life i wish were different or things that i want but nothing to the point that it affects anyone else in an adverse way, save for this religious dilema. maybe i am contradicting myself a little bit here, but the whole church scene jut doesnt appeal to me. for some reason i just feel like i cant trust preists either. not because im an under age male or anything, but just because of who they are. what has god been up to anyway lately? in the bible he was always talking to people and sending signs and things. but now its like "oh theres a god....i swear" and if you ask a priest or any religious figure about it they just say "look at your life....thats proof of god" as in were supposed to believe just because were alive there is a god. everyday events are "miracles" and everything is special blah blah blah. im not saying there is no god, but i cant help but wonder that if there is one, is he gone now? or has he given up on us? where are we headed? i know this is one of the cornyest most stereotypical things a teenager can think about and i know im not alone thinking this shit...but i cant help it. i hate the fact that all i was brought up knowing could be a lie, or could be wrong, and there is nothing more for us but what were doing now. if i could have one wish out of anything in the world id wish to live forever, just to see what happens to everything. i wouldnt wish for anything religious, like going to heaven but i just want to know whats going to happen to everything. i know this wont ever happen, because it seems in my life all i do is end things.

i dont have a name anymore either...
[Posted by Stephen] at 9:24 AM

Blogger man...
BOO! its halloween and im a ninja and my weapons got taken away before i could even set foot on school property this morning. wow. yeah so school today was horrible cuz nobody knew what i was AGAIN. next year im going to be a ghost. or a pirate. nobody knows a ninja when they see one. someone thought i was sisko...? like COME ON people. so nobody wanted to come trick or treating with me, and then danielle (# 3)decided she would but then she was like "only if my boyfriend comes...and amanda...and its at my house. so that totally defeated the purpose. melissa didnt come :-/ she seems to be conveniently busy alot lately. she confuzes me sometimes. so like last year, i went trick or treating with super cool liz black and she fell like a million times as usual. but i saved her once. we didnt get much candy but i got enough to last me till next year seeing as i dont eat much besides chicken and nobody was giving out chicken. so as of right now i hate all females except amy...but shes an alien, and elizabeth...but shes to funny to hate. and jane because shes jane. and i do love jane because shes the best. next year im definately going to be something everyone will recognize. and im definately going to excommunicate girls from my life. except jane and amy and elizabeth. and for those who were wondering, yes i showered this morning.

¡steve!
[Posted by Stephen] at 8:18 PM

Blogger,
today was amazingly good. went to retreat, and played a buncha games. human ladder and spanos is amazing at walking on "pvc piping" and a train game and spanos is horrible at giving directions, and an island game thing and spanos is horrible at swimming from sharks. but lendl made it safely so its all good. we prayed alot. i didnt pray. they gave us rosaries. i didnt keep mine. i felt incredible guilty about tkaing it because i have not an ounce of faith in me. when we got back the girls varsity soccer was playing and i walked around with melissa for a while and then got kicked out of spanish club and went to watch the game. erin was there. that made me happy. i like erin alot, because she understands the stupid things i talk about. or at least i hope she understands and doesnt nod and agree so i shut up. while i was waiting to get picked up i fulfilled my hot chocolate addiction amy stareted me on. me her and danielle shimidllepoofs went to mobil...yeah mobil. holla. im definately going to be the most intimidating thing possible for halloween. and urban ninja. beater and a sword. im also thinking about not showering......till tomorrow.

if you let them make you
theyll make you paper mache
at a distance your strong
untill the wind comes
then you crumble and blow away.

§Stephen§
[Posted by Stephen] at 6:41 PM

Blogger,
school today was bad. i forfeited in first period and didnt learn all day. i definately forgot my entire english report which i definately spent an hour and a half doing last night. it got better in drama club after school tho. after the name calling and femminine remarks it was really fun :-). i went with amy to buy pink pants for her to be J Lo for halloween which is in 2 days :-). the eskimo part of my ninja eskimo costume isnt happening, so im just goin to be an urban ninja. im going to wear the allison hat and have a ninja sword. thats really all for today. and by the way...i still love her :-/ and she still has no idea :-(

hey, what would it mean to you, to know that it'll come back around again.
hey, whatever it means to you to know that everything goes in circles.

%Stephen%
[Posted by Stephen] at 7:20 PM

Dear Blogger,
yes, i spent almost 4 hours last night reading comics down in the basemet. i also revived my nintendo 64 and played a good lot of starfox. nothing beats that game. nothing. im definately getting a new computer for christmas *yay* so ill finally be able to do anything on the computer without it freezing or something. winter track starts soon, im totally psyched. i am SO going to run all the time. i went to church yesterday for the first time in almost 2 years. i felt very out of place. when i write my thoughts arent very organized, but i can follow whats going on so its all good. i see no need for gym class, especially when your not doing anything organized. today we threw basketballs around for a half hour then went and got changed. right on. this morning i awoke from a suicidal dream. "the kids arent alright" was playing on the radio and i was scratching my wrist like there was no tomorrow. the thing on my elbow still wont go away. i hope its not cancerous like the rest of my body. today was a good day overall. altho i did get alot of homework which actually has to be done at home i dont mind. i brought my global book home....the second one. this brings my tally up to 5 books kleptoed. 2 spanish, 1 bio, a math, and a global. yes i also stole a sweatshirt and a piece of the floor. the school is making nothing off of me. everwood is on tonight. i really like that show.

you dont like the way i walk or the way i talk or the way i swing my hands.
you dont like the words i speak or things i think and i know you'll never understand

#Stephen#
[Posted by Stephen] at 5:42 PM

Dear Blog Box,
Remind me never to go to the forest of fear ever again...ever. yeah it was scary like whoa but 2 hours on line NOT for a roller coaster is not cool. Nobody wanted to go either, and maybe that was an indication. i love how every time i see jane unexpectadely, stupid danielle hazen is always there and is like eww steve go away. yeah i went to BK and i got an extra-medium soda...confuze the hell outta the chic at the counter. "um..sir? he wants a medium but he wants to extra it...what do i do?" poor kid. the clocks change today, i think its 4:00 in the afternoon right now but im not quite sure...anyway, a majority of today is going to be spent correcting my spanish test *yay* and i definately got 43 wrong. im very worried about the spanish regents and that i wont be able to pass it because ive had shitty teachers and stupid classes. I'm almost done reading Planeswalker (Lynn Abbey). not as good as the firs book in the series but still interesting. it just took too long to get moving in the beginning. and its all about the flashbacks. I decided for my book talk im going to do it on the dictionary. who ever reads the dictionary back to back? i will. I also came to the realization that i never do anything completely. im completely psyched about getting a violin for cristmas, but i havent become as good on guitar as i really want to be. im also feeling the same urge to learn the piano, but that wont happen. every drawing i do i dont finish and i never want to finish it the next day, either. maybe im a genius like Leonardo DaVinci and im just smarter than "finishing" things...or maybe im just lazy. either one.

people stare and i just ignore i just ignore everything they say

->Stephen<-
[Posted by Stephen] at 8:58 AM