[Penny for my thought ]

[Saturday, April 19, 2003]

blogger,
end of the day, here comes the detailed description. i didn't really do anything today, but i feel as if i've accomplished something. i was finally inspired to sit down and draw, and for once in my life, probably the first time, i FINISHED a drawing. i even signed the bottom. i do believe it was the first thing in life i've ever completed. i don't know, i just have this sence of fulfilment right now. complete. wow. so anyway, this drawing was of Wing Zero Custom, to keep in sync with this obsession with angels. i don't get it, everywhere i turn theres some sort of symbolism trying to lead me back. but everytime, its a big let down. as i write this, hear you me by jimmy eat world plays on my media player. "may angels lead you in" i want to grow wings and fly away. tonite might be the first creek night since the end of the summer. i need some time to think. today i went through the course selection booklet from school with my dad. he decided what classes i'll be taking next year. anatomy & physiology I & II, and buisiness law. i'm exempt from LOTE next year, thankfully. i don't think i knew that meant "language other than english" until about two months ago. kerry isn't online, so i won't be up late tonite. dad insisted on playing easter bunny for tomorrow, and went to "run some errands" today. judging fro mthe size of the bag he brough back, i'd say we're in for about five metric tons of chocolate tomorrow morning. if next time you see me i smell like chocolate, you'll know why. so i guess i'll just go see whats on tv on a saturday night now, my family is watching "the mothman prophecies", i was just watching ninja scroll. hmm...ninjas. good nite, moon

mood: happy
music: the ataris - my reply

---me
[Posted by Stephen] at 9:56 PM

blogger,
today looks to be just as boring as yesterday and the day before. darn. i just want summer to be here. i was thinking about summer this morning and i realized a few things: since i'm not in english AP for next year, i'll only have like 2 summer reading books, and since i'll be in LBI all summer, i won't be able to write in blogger. i'm thinking just writing it in a notebook or something? adunno. i really wanted to go to LBI this next weekend with amy, but my mom is all like "no". i'm really afraid whats going to happen with her and my dad. shes leaving again, she quit her job, and shes leaving monday?. last time, he convinced her to stay, but i don't know. my dad had a talk with me before about him and her, and i really don't know. hoo boy. so i don't know whats going on with these people living in my house. i'm gunna go get pizza now, more later.

you're graceful, your grace falls
down around me in my eyes
you're lovely, your love leaves
so easily in my eyes

---me
[Posted by Stephen] at 2:13 PM

blogger,
so i waited out a bad bad day just to end it with someone i care about. dashboard confessional - so impossible. great song. i called kerry, we talked for hours. i heart her. today was soooo boring. robotech battlecry turned out to be somewhat of a dissappointment. tomorrow i'm going back to playing crono trigger...after cartoons that is. joey couldnt come over so i was trapped at home all day bored and stuff. yeah thats really all for today. i'm tired. good night.

mood: quite happy :-)
music: Dashboard Confessional - So Impossible

---me
[Posted by Stephen] at 11:12 PM

If I was to walk till time saw no end
If I were to climb till the air was too thin
I could not find a picture fit the frame
As perfect as you, as perfect as you.

You showed me life and lived nothing less
Yet you're so above me
I'll take my time your memory is bliss
The angel above me

When I look at the stars they shine of your eyes
The sky it burns bright with your presence tonight
Yet your so above me and I cannot fly
To the angel above me I long to be with

To look at the mountains vast and great
Is one step above in seeing your face
To look at the stars for they lead the way
To the angel above

If I was to walk till time saw no end
If I were to climb till the air was too thin
I could not find a picture fit the frame
As perfect as you, as perfect as you

Rufio - Above Me
[Posted by Stephen] at 2:31 PM

good morning blogger,
this is the happiest i've ever been i think. i talked to her until like 12:00 last night. she's succesfully kept me up way past bedtime every night this week. last night's sleep was unfulfilling though, as i had a dream marty gave me back my black skull dragon card. in case i haven't mentioned it before, i lost it last tuesday. sad sad sad day. for those of you who don't know, black skull dragon was my favorite yu-gi-oh card = (. hehe right now i'm wearing the dogtag that came with the robotech battlecry special edition. score! haha yeah i know i'm 16 but its tough giving up this kinda thing. so today **hopefully** joey is going to come over. hehe. so right now i need to go take a shower because i smell like....yesterday. and then i wanna play robotech battlecry.

mood: happy, per normal
music: rufio - one slowdance

---stephen in love
[Posted by Stephen] at 8:48 AM

blogger,
so today was another very good day. melissa called at around 12:00, right after i wrote todays previous entry. we talked for like 2 hours, but like we normally do, joking around and what not. so at about 2:00, we hang up so i can eat lunch, and when i come back, she IMs me and is like i still need to talk to you. so i'm like oooh boy, here it comes. this is how our conversation went:

Just S p a c e (2:24:31 PM): melissa melissa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Auto response from TiNyDaNceR783 (2:24:32 PM): gettin dressed...
hey if anyone wants ice cream today come by the tiny place in goshen by pizza hut , i start @ 5

steve- gotta talk to u even thou we were on the fone for an hour and a half..
-::- MeL-::-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just S p a c e (2:25:02 PM): you already talked my ear off and made me über hungry
TiNyDaNceR783 (2:33:31 PM): im sorry:-P
Just S p a c e (2:33:34 PM): psshh
Just S p a c e (2:33:37 PM): you would be
Just S p a c e (2:33:42 PM): motor mouth
Just S p a c e (2:33:45 PM): talk-a-holic
TiNyDaNceR783 (2:33:58 PM): lol i wanted to mention something to u but i didnt have the courage to mention it over the fone
TiNyDaNceR783 (2:34:00 PM): hey lo!
TiNyDaNceR783 (2:34:02 PM): lol*
Just S p a c e (2:34:17 PM): ok
TiNyDaNceR783 (2:34:43 PM): i wanted to tell you that i read ur last entry of your blogger...and it made me cry(im serious) and that i wanted to make sure everything is cool between us, cus your one of my best friends steve...
TiNyDaNceR783 (2:34:54 PM): and im not tryin to b a cheeseball or anything
Just S p a c e (2:35:20 PM): oh yeah, i was kinda avoiding talking to you about that:-[
TiNyDaNceR783 (2:35:56 PM): hmm...well i would have too..well i kinda did too..
Just S p a c e (2:36:58 PM): lets not talk about it k
TiNyDaNceR783 (2:37:50 PM): oks, i just wanted to bring it up just in case you thought that i was a bitch for not bringin it up cuz i didnt want to talk about it to you...but i just wanted to bring it to your attention, thats all:-[
Just S p a c e (2:38:00 PM): fair enough
Just S p a c e (2:38:03 PM): we=cool
TiNyDaNceR783 (2:38:03 PM): wow that made no sense whatsoever..
TiNyDaNceR783 (2:38:07 PM): hehe oks

so we're officially cool, friends, and friends forever. i'm over her for the last time. ever. i swear. she gets to join amy in the jello friends category, which is probably the best thing for now. i really like kerry, and despite what amy thinks, i think we're going to be cool as the other side of the pillow together. i haven't talked to her today :-\. i can't help but feel like amy and i are drifting. i don't know. i guess its because her and greg are full time, like they spend every second together. i'm really glad they're working out, hes my favorite amy boyfriend so far. if they ever did break up, i'd probably still be friends with greg. can't say the same for alex, who i push in the halls and cut in the lunch line. so yeah, i went to see anger management with my mom today, it was so funny. i saw burdie and her cronies. and danielle ademac, who i see every single time i goto the mall. its amazing. i bought robotech battlecry, which i will be playing for the next three and a half hours. hehehe i love video games. peace out blogger man.

mood: happy
music: audio karate - one day

---me
[Posted by Stephen] at 9:19 PM

blogger,
so last night was really cool = ). i asked out kerry. mm hmm. yeah, that was just very cool. steve=happy today. nobody's around today, so i'm probably going to just stay home and play with my new pedal all day = ). i'm still really dreading melissa calling. i might leave the phone off the hook today. i'm over her. forever. erg. now i'm going to be weird about her. i'm going to play crono trigger till i pass out now. i'll write more later.

---me
[Posted by Stephen] at 12:44 PM

blogger,
spring break has officially begun. today was the last day of school. it went by s o s l o w its not even funny. oh man. so, i have 500 things for homework. boo. i didn't get into english honors for next year. crap. i love how mrs ross tells me i'm a great writer blah blah blah and i don't get into honors. well, i'll have mrs lazarus next year. greeeeat. thats going to be an easy class. i won some haiku contest she put my poem into. go me. we won our tennis match vs. oneill today, 5-2. i played first doubles with sean and we won 6-0, 6-2. it was good. so far we're undefeated baby!!!! 2-0. so this is the second time, today melissa is all "i'm going to call you, we need to talk" and she DOESNT FREAKIN CALL. SHES DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!! arg this is rediculous. i don't want her to call, because i know what shes going to say, and at the same time i want her to call and say what shes going to say. ahhhh. i'm over her, i really am. arg. SO anyway, everyone is going away over spring break. i'm going to miss everyone. i'm hoping sometime maybe to chill with kerry, because i like her now. i think i do anyway. i told her i do. and she was like "uh...wow thats cool = )" so i don't know what to do now. it wasn't exactly a "i like you too" kinda thing, it was more like a "i'm flattered, now run away little boy" kinda thing. so, i don't know. i've nothing more to say. i can't collect a thought right now, i just want her to freakin call already!!!!!!

---me
[Posted by Stephen] at 9:27 PM

blogger,
today was a little weird. i'm still all congested and stuff, but i fought it out. i guess i was kinda down today. i wrote caroln a note telling her about stuff, and even though she promised not to tell meliss or talk to her about it i think she did, because 5 minuites after she read the note and was alone with melissa, melissa comes up to me and is like "um...i'm going to call you tonite, i need to talk to you about stuff" it's almost 9:00 and she hasn't called. i don't know what to think. kerry doesn't seem to notice me in person, but shes cool online. amy is being overly judgemental, and i don't like it. alot of people really dissappointed me today with how they were acting like amy and carolyn. i wish things were different, i wish i had super powers, and i wish i had jello right now = (. at least theres a new smallville on tonite. i'm going to go watch it, goodnite blogger.

mood: sadened

do you care if i don't know what to say,
will you sleep tonite, will you think of me?
will i shake this off, pretend its all ok,
that theres someone out there who feels just like me?
there is

---me
[Posted by Stephen] at 8:56 PM

blogger,
oh my god today was so horrible its not even funny. i felt like crap but my mom made me go to school anyway, so i did. i forgot my sweater so i had to wear the stupid blazer all day. so yeah, the entire day sucked. i'm going to have so much work to do over break its not even funny. like its not even going to be a vacation. for earthscience i have to do three freakin chapters of work. thats going to take like 4 hours to do. spanish i have to do the 2 page report on the author, who there is almost nothing about on any english website. i have to research it in spanish and write it in spanish. fuck you. i hate spanish so much. i'm doing nothing over break, everyone in the world is going to florida. i'm so jealous. smiths already left. lucky bastards. so at the end of today, i was pushed into the pool with my clothes on, metaphorically speaking. as usual, after the last bell i went to amy's locker. i passed kerry and i'm like heeyyyyy and shes just like "hi" a hi like "hi i don't really wanna talk to you" kinda hi. so i say goodbye to amy, she leaves and i'm talking to joe galbo. carolyn and melissa come over, and were all talking and i'm leaving and carolyn and joe start making out, and melissa and i both look at eachother and i just wanted to kiss her so badly right then. but i just walked away. it hurt. i was so ok, and then...yeah. i want to do that. i want someone to hug me and kiss me. its gnawing at my insides. it hurts to know that she likes pete, and would never even consider me. i really don't want to dwell on this, but its really hard. i wish things were different, i really do. but as it is, i'm just here, alone, and sick. my head is like a saturated sponge. i can't breathe out of my nose. after school i went over to orange hollow, i didn't want to play, but if there wasnt enough people i'd play third doubles just so we didn't have to forfeit that position. so coach makes me feel all guilty so i stay, and my mom goes home. 5 minuites later, the fallsburg team shows up......theres 5 of them. those stupid ass holes didn't have the decency to call and SAY that they couldn't feild a team to play us. so I don't play, and my mom wonn't pick me up till 6:00. so i sat at orange hollow and wasted 3 hours of my life away doing nothing. i give up. i fucking give up. i don't want to go to school tomorrow. over spring break i think i'm just going to lock myself in my room and sleep. i don't even want to come out. well, i'm going to go to sleep now, because i'm so pissed off right now.

---me
[Posted by Stephen] at 6:11 PM

blogger,
oooh man today is a bad day. i woke up and i'm all sore and shit, i slept all curled up and with the window open and it was cold last night. next, my dad makes me seed the lawn. THE most tedious waste of time in the world. it takes like 2 hours to do the entire lawn with that goddamn drop spreader. Denders came over for a litle while, but he had to leavereal soon. it was such a tease. i forgot to bring home my english notebook, so i can't start my research paper. good job ass hole. the first thing is due tuesday and i lost the weekend. tomorrow we have a tennis match scheduled, so i don't know how i'm going to do this. i love how the fourth quarter just started and i'm already fucked. good job steve. i'm thinking about publishing blogger again, but i don't really know if i should, specifically because i've declared so blatantly that i'm kinda "in like". its not an obsession, but i can see it happening. kerry=cool. i'm hoping that over spring break we'll chill or something. that would be neat. haha neat. good job steve. i've been talking to myself alot lately. my biggest fear is that my mom is going to somehow find my blogger or something. carolyn's parents flipped when they found hers, and knowing her there wasn't anything TOO bad in it, and i've pretty much declared my hatred for my family i nhere hoping nobody would say anything. i'm living on the edge right now, my dad is working in his desk right next to me, but lucky for me he's completely oblivious. oh man. so, i'm officially bored sick. literally. i don't feel good at all. i'm gunna go read now or something i guess. adios blogger

mood: bored & sick
music: foo fighters - everlong

---me
[Posted by Stephen] at 5:35 PM

blogger,
technically its sunday, but for me saturday isn't over yet. i tried to get the SP today, but nobody has it. its depressing really. i've been failing at everything, i hate this. so i went to amy's bowling thing, that was fun. i got amy a robot because robots are cool. so i definately like kerry, shes really cool = ). i just wish i wasn't such a dumb ass tho. i kept spazzing out. i was like "ok steve, lets be cool and calm and impress her" but then i spazzed out and she laughed at me. and then everyone else was getting driven home together, but they were nice enough to stay and wait with me for my ignorant father. he was like 30 minuites late, and got lost. oooh man it was so embarrasing. i tried calling his cell phone and they were all laughing at me. oh man it was bad. i know its not going to happen, so i'm not going to even begin to obsess over kerry. not at all. only three days of school this week. = ) i'm so excited for spring break. everyone's going away, and i'll be here, doing nothing. go me. yeah, i need to go to sleep now. i'm so done.

mood: embarrased = (
music: brand new - jude law and a semester abroad

---me
[Posted by Stephen] at 12:57 AM