[Penny for my thought ]

[Saturday, November 15, 2003]

Blogger,
Ring night last night was amazing. Theres really not much I can say about it, it was just good times. Today, on the other hand, sucked majorly. I didn't get home until 12:00 last night, so I woke up very tired. I worked until 2:00. I wen't to Hanna and Dale's to hang out with Kerry after I got home and showered. I'm a little sick so we shouldn't have gotten close, but we did anyway. She's all sniffly now too. I thought it was all good, but then shit hit the fan. Her dad called there and was like "when will you be home?" and she was like "later" and mentioned me apparently, so now her parents thing I'm the bad guy. According to them, I "kidnap" her. They hate me, they're trying to stop Kerry from ever seeing me, and they don't want us to work out. We're most liikely done. This hurts so much. I really do love this girl, and the world is seriously trying to keep me away from her. No one has ever showed me compassion like she has. She said something today that really stung. After her dad yelled at her about me, she said to me "I wish you loved someone else. you don't deserve this." It sucks, it really does. I can never seem to catch a break with anything and neither can she. I don't know what I'm going to do about this now. The only two choices are to break up and both be miserable, or stay together and both be miserable. I'm going to bed now. I'm so depressed.

I'll never tell you
That I hate you
But I love you.
I hope you never know
But I want you to.
I hoped you'd disappear
But I hope you're happy forever
Because I know you deserve it
More than me
And more than I deserve you.
Meghan's poem

---Me
[Posted by Stephen] at 9:46 PM

Blogger,
I just finished watching "Requiem for a Dream" and I would like to reaffirm the decision I made so long ago never to ever do drugs. That was probably the most depressing sickest most disturbing movie I have ever seen. There was such a dramatic change from the beginning of the film to the end. Four people who's lives were completely shattered by drugs. It's really sad. Especially the girl, Marion. She had such talent, such promise, but she threw it away because she needed a fix. It makes me sad to know people are doing heavy shit like heroine or cocaine. I really don't think smoking pot is going to kill you. It's not lethal, especially when used in moderation. People like Jeff who light up once in a while, like twice a month tops are perfectly safe. It's the people who are hooked and can never be not high that are going to die from it. I'll talk more about this later, I have to get a haircut and get ready for this ring night thing later.

---Me
[Posted by Stephen] at 12:26 PM

Blogger,
There was a funny article on the Blogger homepage today about a guy who's mom finds his Blogger.

"Apparently, Mom typed [Widmar's employer] Dean Healthcare into Google along with my name and, lo and behold, PlanetKevin popped up," Widmar said. "I'm so fucked."
In an e-mail sent to Widmar Monday, Lillian reported in large purple letters that she was "VERY EXCITED :)!!!" to find his "computer diary," but was perplexed that he hadn't mentioned it to her.
Upon receipt of the e-mail, Widmar mentally raced through the contents of his blog. He immediately thought of several dozen posts in which he mentioned drinking, drug use, casual sex, and other behavior likely to alarm his mother.
"I don't have one of those sites that's a big tell-all about one-night stands and wild parties," Widmar said. "I mostly write about the animation I like or little things that happen to me and my friends. But there are definitely things in there that I wouldn't, well, write home to Mom about."
Fortunately for Widmar, Lillian's comments about the site indicate that she has not delved deeply into its contents.
"Mom's main comment was that I look tired in the photos from my birthday party, so I'm guessing that she didn't get past the first page yet," Widmar said. "She will, though. She will."
Widmar said he expects his site to provide Lillian with ample cause for worry.
"Even on that benign front page, she found something to freak out about," Widmar said. "She read the entry for Monday, where I mentioned how much I hate my job, and e-mailed to say that she hoped I wasn't thinking of quitting in this economy."
"Mom had a fit when she found out that I put my television on my credit card," Widmar added. "If she reads about how I was with my friend Jayson when he got pulled over for drunk driving, I'll never hear the end of it."
"Oh God," Widmar said with a gasp. "Three days ago, I wrote something about buying pot!"
Widmar said that the idea of his mother immersing herself in the boring details of his life is just as frightening as the idea of her discovering his misconduct.

I'd hate to have someone read my Blog, anyone really. I let Meghan read an entry the other day, and she made fun of me. So, I decided nobody is ever going to be allowed to read this again. Heres a quiz thing from theonion.com

[1] Most humbling moment: When I realized that I have no religion, no direction, and no goals in life.
[2] Favorite on-screen sex scene: Starship Troopers. The movie has guns, nudity, and giant insects trying to wipe out humanity. What more could a guy ask for?
[3] Celebrity I resemble most: The guy who plays Bean.
[4] Best (or worst) lie I've ever told: When I broke up with Kerry because I just didn't want a relationship, when in reality I still loved her.
[5] If I could be anywhere at the moment, I would be: Anywhere with Kerry.
[6] Song or album that puts me in the mood: Dave Matthews - Say Goodbye, and Lover Lay Down.
[7] The five items I can't live without: Chinese fried dumplings, PS2, My favorite robot, Chapstick, and Toilet paper.
[8] In my bedroom, you'll find: A bed, my computer, and lots and lots of robots.
[9] Last great book I read: Lucky Wander Boy by D. B. Weiss.

Mood: Great.
Music: Weezer - Surf Wax America

---Me
[Posted by Stephen] at 9:01 PM

Blogger,
Today fucking sucked. I woke up with a dry mouth and a headache. I went to school anyway because I thought Kerry would cheer me up. She's only got bad news. She really got stuck with shit in life, as sorry as I am to say that. I wish more than anything that there was something I could do to make her feel better about life. She's the most optimistic person in the world. She's the strongest person I've ever met and she deserves so much better. From what I've heard, her family totally doesn't love her. I feel guilty knowing what I have and what she doesn't. My family may have fallen apart, but they still care about me. As much as I hate to admit it, Michele, my mother, loves me. I don't like her very much, and I treat her like shit. It's all so petty. I just watched Fight Club, and had a very enlightening thought. It really isn't what you have or what you've done, it's who you are. We're all going to die, so why not make the most of it while we're here? For better or for worse, dedicate your life to a cause. My life is dedicated to Kerry, and people like her, who deserve so much more than what they have. I don't want anything for Christmas. I really don't. My Christmas present is going to be her happiness. No more bad news. That's all I want. I'm sick of death and destruction and plague and pestilence. I know it's only the world balancing itself out, but I don't care. I don't want to hear it. My mental state is a debacle. I'm so up and down lately, and I'm not even on and kind of drugs. It's crazy. I'm going to bed early today. My head hurt all day, and I think I'm getting sick because I'm not sleeping enough. Last night I spaced out and suddenly it was 12:00 and I didn't know where I was or what I was doing. I'm going to lie in bed and watch Smallville. Good night.

This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time...

Mood: Enlightened.
Music: Nirvana - Heart Shaped Box.

---Me
[Posted by Stephen] at 7:47 PM

Blogger,
Today was one big boring blur. I messed up dinner. Michele was here all day but I didn't talk to her. I played alot of videogames. I need to go to sleep now though. Good night Blogger.

---Me
[Posted by Stephen] at 10:12 PM

Blogger,
It's rant time. There were major realizations today on my part. I took a second to look at everyone I've known for so long and how in the past month alone we've all grown up so much. Just now Melissa and I had a long talk about how much people have grown up, and how some people haven't. The reason the two of us first came together was Pete Fiore. Since eighth grade he's been written out of both our lives, but he was an important person in both our pasts. Since he broke up with Melissa, he's gone out with this Jenna girl. I've never talked to her and I don't plan on it. That's where we started talking about sex and sexual activities and the like. Pete IMed her not long ago and was telling her about how he nailed Jenna and asked her when she was going to do it, and actually criticized her for still being a virgin. What a winner. He definitely just fucked Jenna so he could gloat about it to Melissa. Carolyn and Joe are very sexually active, but not in a bad way. They've been together for almost eight months, so it's pretty much expected of the two of them. The only problem is how much they brag about it. Today Carolyn was telling everyone who would listen how she gave Joe head and how gross his cum tasted. It was rather unpleasant to listen to. It bothers me a little bit that they feel the need to do things like that all the time. I told Kerry that giving head is not something she has to do. I don't think I'd really want her to. It's so degrading to the girl to do that. I'd hate to have a cock in my mouth. I don't know if I'd eat her out either. According to Carolyn it's not as good as it's made out to be, and she faked an orgasm. If I knew the girl faked, I'd be kind of depressed. All that work for nothing. Melissa and I both agreed on one thing. Sex is something special and shouldn't be done out of lust or just because you wanted to do it to brag to the world. I definitely could have fucked Kerry on Saturday, but I really don't want us to be like that so soon. There's also the fact that the last guy she was with, and the guy before me last time were both just using her for the sex. I don't mind the fact that she's coming to me as "damaged goods" as she so eloquently put it, but it does bother me that she feels that way. I don't blame her for what she's done in the past, she's had a rough time and I know that. I just want to show her how special a thing true love really is. Saturday we kissed. That's all. There was no touching below the belt or anything like that. I think I touched her boob maybe twice. I'm not being innocent, or childish, or prude; I'm just trying to take it slow with her. I want to show her how genuine we really are. I try to kiss her meaningfully, and I try to make my one-liners worth something more than a ticket into her pants. I see now how much we've all grown up since freshman year, and I know that we've still got a long ways to go. I see now what Kerry means when she says that I've grown physically and mentally since the spring. I've been so concerned with what was going on around me I didn't take the time to stop and look at myself. I'm proud of myself for who I am and what I've accomplished. I'm also very glad that I feel this way about the people I'm growing up with. Joe, Carolyn, Melissa, and Kerry are the best friends I could ever have. I think it's safe to say that for once in my life, everything is perfect.

Mood: Enlightened.
Music: The Soundtrack to my life:
Eve 6 - Heres to the Night
Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down
Oasis - Wonderwall
Blue Oyster Cult - Don't Fear the Reaper
Dave Matthews Band - #41
Rufio - One Slowdance
Yellowcard - Rough Draft
Mest - Drawing Board
Incubus - Pardon Me
Good Charlotte - Change/Thank you Mom
The Ataris - So Long Astoria
Foo Fighters - Everlong
Get Up Kids - Walking on a Wire
Goo Goo Dolls - Name
Matchbook Romance - Cream Soda
Taking Back Sunday - Timberwolves At New Jersey
Blink 182 - Dammit
Greenday - Time of Your Life

Best CD ever.

---Me
[Posted by Stephen] at 5:33 PM

Blogger,
I love america.

Sean4985: yo assclown
Just S p a c e: wut up sucka
Sean4985: whats happening
Just S p a c e: i hear you joined the army?
Sean4985: yeah
Sean4985: quickest way outta this county is to be bush's fucking pawn and kill some rag heads
Sean4985: so i said sign me up
Just S p a c e: thats so sad yet so funny all at the same time
Just S p a c e: kill the rag heads, more power to ya man
Sean4985: also true
Just S p a c e: nix one for me
Just S p a c e: see, this is why i love our country
Sean4985: donkey punch saddam and ossama
Just S p a c e: you're a 19 yr old pot head, and they're willing to give you a gun for free
Just S p a c e: holler back
Sean4985: i'm 18 and yes thats america for ya

Thats our glorious nation for you.

---Me
[Posted by Stephen] at 10:22 PM

Blogger,
Fuck. I definitely wrote a whole long entry about yesterday and it got fucking deleted. I fucking hate blogger. Erg. So anyway, yesterday was amazing. Kerry came over and we had a very good time. We sat on my bed and talked about everything I think we possibly could have. Thats why I love her so much, because she actually understands me and still loves me. I'm a diffiicult person to like once you realize who I really am, but she does anyway. We kisseed alot. We kissed slowly. I like that. I think she wanted to go alot farther than that, but I didn't feel like we needed to. She's been with so many guys who've just used her for her body type things, so I want us to be special. I also want to prove to her that I really do love her. It bothers me that she doesn't believe me. Yesterday I told her I loved her and she asked "Just me? Are you sure you don't love someone else to? Like...Melissa?" I really though she was over that. I told her, she's not there to replace Melissa, she's there to be her own person. I love her for who she is, not when she came along. All I want is for her to see that I really do love her. It really scares me though; love is a scary thing to me. As a society, it is both our greatest strength and our greatest weakness. There are only a few things that bother me about her. The first is the Melissa issue. The second are the sad goodbyes. Every time I leave her we both almost die. We really need to work on that. The third is that I think she has cooties. I feel sick this morning. My mouth is dry, I'm all warm and I have the chills, and I feel like puking. I have alot of homework I should be doing, and I think I might call in sick to work. I don't think I'm up to a six-hour shift tonight.

Mood: In love, and sick. I suppose I could be "lovesick?"
Music: Weezer - Spiderman

---Me
[Posted by Stephen] at 9:33 AM